Last weekend, after a recovery meeting, I stood outside chatting with a friend who had reached out to me about hypnotherapy.
As we talked, tears filled her eyes.
She shared a story about some addicts she was trying to help through her work. One woman was nine months pregnant, thin as a rail, living with a man (not the father) who had substance abuse issues. My helper friend thought maybe he was controlling and abusing her.
She said it broke her heart that there was also a large puppy in the home, and my friend worried about what would happen to the dog when it grew and required more food and care than the adults could provide. Not to mention a baby.
And their were other people and other problems she was overseeing. I asked her about a success story and she told one about a woman whom she was able to help in a big way. Helped her get housing, a job, and watched her graduate from college! She glowed with happiness sharing that. It was heartwarming.
My friend works in a field where she sees human suffering every day. She cares deeply about people. She wants them to succeed. She wants them to heal. She goes out of her way to help them.
I asked her another question.
“How are you taking care of yourself?”
She admitted that she spends most evenings alone on the couch, watching television, and emotionally eating. She has gained weight, isn’t feeling good about herself, and that’s why she reached out to me.
I also happen to know that she recently lost two dear friends who passed away just a few weeks apart.
As she spoke, it became clear that she wasn’t just carrying her own pain.
She was carrying others’ pain, too.
I recognized something in her because I’ve seen it in myself.
Many of us are helpers.
We are leaders, parents, coaches, caregivers, sponsors, teachers, counselors, managers, and friends.
When someone has a problem, we instinctively move toward it.
We hear someone hurting and want to ease their pain.
We want to make things better for others.
Those are beautiful qualities.
Until they become exhausting.
Somewhere along the way, some helpers begin to believe that caring means carrying.
But they are not the same thing.
You can care deeply without carrying someone else’s burden.
You can support people without sacrificing yourself.
You can be compassionate without becoming consumed.
In leadership, this distinction matters.
When we become responsible for another’s feelings, problems, and/or outcomes, we eventually run out of energy. We become depleted, possibly resentful, overwhelmed, or burned out.
Ironically, the very people who want to help the most often neglect themselves the most.
I’ve been thinking about my cat, Maeve, lately, and have considered training her to be a Therapy Animal.
Here’s why:
Maeve loves people. She greets visitors. She snuggles with me, Paul, and the kids. She doesn’t try to get away. And she provides me so much comfort when she crawls up into my neck and hugs me.
Yet she doesn’t try to fix anyone.
She simply sits with you while you pet her.
Her purr and her presence are enough.
There’s a lesson there.
Sometimes the most healing thing we can offer isn’t to rescue.
It’s presence.
Maybe the people in our lives don’t need us to solve their problems.
I think maybe they need us to listen and hold space for their feelings.
This is caring.
To sit with them in their struggle or their grief.
And perhaps we should remember that our own well-being matters too.
Because the truth is, you can’t pour healing into others from an empty cup.
So if you’re feeling drained, do something that nurtures you.
Hug a pet or a loved one. Hugs release oxytocin—the “bonding hormone”—along with other chemicals that help us feel calmer, more connected, and supported.
Feed yourself something special and healthy.
Talk about your struggles. Sharing doesn’t make problems disappear, but it often makes them feel lighter.
Take a walk. Sit in nature. Listen to music. Give yourself permission to rest.
And if you’re reading this and recognizing yourself as a helper, I applaud you.
The world needs people who care.
The world needs people who are willing to listen, support, encourage, and serve.
Just remember that caring for yourself is not a distraction from your mission—it is what makes your mission sustainable.
With each act of kindness, you do make a difference.
Your contribution matters.
Love,
Maureen
