In the world of recovery from the disease of alcoholism, we say that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. Many people who do not have the disease, don’t get this.
Some may think it is a willpower issue, or a moral issue.
What I’ve come to learn in my years of staying sober and drug free, is that it is our “ego” that is cunning, baffling and powerful.
It’s that small voice in my mind that says I’m not good enough or smart enough. Or skilled enough or talented enough to do what I want to do. It wants to keep me small so I don’t have to feel the pain of, well, anything, in my life.
Our ego will betray us. It tells me that when I’m feeling fear, I should take cover, back away and hide for example.
Feeling emotions can be painful. Especially if you didn’t have any good role models to show you how. We’ve learned in our families and our society that in order to survive we should stay as comfortable as possible.
I drank to escape my emotions and the pain of betrayal in my young life. I didn’t want to except my humanity, my flaws. And I’m also a feeler or an empath so I can easily feel the pain of others’ suffering too. And this hurts. It’s why I needed to stop listening to the news.
I often felt that it was easier to stay in my corporate job because then I could use my brain to add value instead of my heart. Because I feel like my heart breaks so easily. At work, I learned to close it off. But then it opened anyway. The more authentic I allowed myself to be, the better everything became. Especially my relationships.
I’m coaching/training/interviewing/speaking with people in my business ALL of the time, and many of them are in recovery.
So it is important for me to set some boundaries for myself (not take on others’ problems) AND have good self-care. Everyday.
This takes time. And as a high achiever, I need to consciously force myself to slow down in my business which is what I’ve been trying to do for the last few weeks.
And now that I’m slowing down, I’m so aware of all my moods swings and emotions flowing through me. Just on an average day! I realize I’ve been using work to escape the feels.
So this week I’ve been conducting lots of interviews for the next month’s podcasts and I’m so filled with all these emotions! I’m feeling joy and delight as some of the new people I’m meeting.
I experience excitement and anticipation to introduce you to each of them in the coming weeks.
I also have periods of fear (that I’m not doing enough) and restlessness because when I slow down, I am aware of my waves of emotions! And it’s not even like they are caused by any outside events! Sigh.
I say that the ego is cunning, baffling and powerful because it judges my emotional swings. My inner critic tells me I shouldn’t be feeling (whatever I happen to be feeling) and I should eat something, or watch tv, or do some work, or distract myself in some way.
So I’m learning a lot about myself right now because I’m allowing myself to observe my feelings. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings. I’m allowing myself to experience this even though it is uncomfortable.
It’s hard for me to write this because I fear your judgement too. I don’t want you to see my humanness. I want you to think I have all my sh!t together.
But more than that . . . I’m sharing it because I want to be a model for having balanced life, dealing with my personality and my humanness as a leader in recovery, and letting you know that the learning (seriously) NEVER ends.
There are always more lessons that The Universe would have me learn. Like self-forgiveness, self-awareness and self-acceptance.
What if everyone who dealt with addicts and alcoholics (which is everyone), but especially those people in law enforcement and the judicial system, really understood that this is a disease. And that drinking and drugging is just a symptom. And stealing and hurting others is a symptom too. Would they have more compassion? Would there be better recovery programs offered instead of incarceration?
On today’s podcast, I’ll introduce you to Ginger Ross, who is a facilitator of a program that educates people who deal with people who are alcoholics and addicts in the law enforcement system.
Ginger also certifies people to become Recovery Coaches. And she helps people in recovery experience transformations. This is excellent and needed work!
You gotta listen to this episode! There is so much hope my friends, because there is a new movement happening in this country to help people get into Recovery and deal with the cunning, baffling and powerful need to escape from being human.
Show up for yourself today. And be compassionate with yourself. I am.
All my best,
Maureen
