Meditation is the Way

On the way up to the retreat center 2 weeks ago, I turned off my radio for the last half hour of the journey. I felt jumpy. All the noises of the car and the outside world that I don’t normally hear were jarring and strange. Maybe it was my nerves too.

I decided to allow myself to go on a silent retreat because I was feeling out of sorts and disconnected from my intuition. I kept asking my Higher Power for guidance on which direction to take and I wasn’t getting any answers. I felt confused.

I was nervous because I had never been silent for 5 full days in my life. I had never been silent for one full day for that matter.

I also had been pretty connected to my phone since, well, 2007. Since they became “smart.”

I’ve tried doing a technology detox before and there were a few times I lasted a day or a big part of a day. But this retreat was a whole new level.

Here’s a bit of what happened and how things went for me.

Once I arrived, we were all tested for Covid. We were required to wear masks for 3 days until the 2nd test was taken, on Sunday. Then we all tested negative again so we could take them off. I almost shouted with joy. haha!

I found out at the first talk a little bit about our group (Sanga). There were 94 retreatants and we were a diverse lot. Here are some of the stats:

• 50 were returning students
• 44 were new to a silent retreat
• Age range was from 24 – 83 years
• 24 identified as BIPOC (Black, Indigenous People of Color)
• 15 identified as LGTBQIA+
• The majority of retreatants were in their 40s & 50s
• We had 5 Buddhist teachers: 1 Hispanic Man (Yoga Instructor), 1 black South African woman, 1 black American woman, 1 bi-racial American woman, and 1 white American gay woman (So awesome!)

The teachers were wonderful. They spoke at three sessions each day at 8:15 am, 4:00 pm, and 7:30 pm.

The topics covered were: equanimity, loving-kindness, forgiveness, compassion, faith, wisdom, gratitude, & generosity. Oh, and love was sprinkled in among all the talks too. The whole place was beaming with love.

We had a phone surrender ceremony where they collected all the phones and then we got them back on the last day.

Each day consisted of 45 minutes of meditation sessions starting at 6am and ending at 9:15pm, alternating between sitting, walking, moving (yoga), and eating.

My 10 years of experience meditating daily really paid off because now I was meditating for 10 hours a day and it was really comfortable and nice. Breathing in every moment. Aware of my thoughts every second. Feeling it all without distraction.

After the first talk at 7:30 pm on the day we arrived, the silence began. The next full day of silence was spent noticing all my thoughts, judgments, fears, and lots of emotions. I felt so sad that I couldn’t build any relationships with these people who I just knew were probably really cool people.

We were told not to look into the eyes of anyone, nor try to signal or communicate in any way. There was a bulletin board to post notes to teachers or ask questions of staff.

Once that first day was over and my mind calmed down, I actually felt very grateful to be in silence. It was super nice to just concentrate on my food and not have to talk to anyone or create conversation. I loved it!

We each had our own room. Mine was facing the woods and I had 2 large windows to gaze out of. I often took my lunch and dinner in my room, by myself, to watch the trees and birds.

On Monday (Day 4) it was my daughter’s 33 birthday and I was missing her and feeling so sad about it, when I saw a mama deer and her two fawns bounding through the woods! My heart surged in my chest.

I cried for a moment with grief and then joy to see it. Then I cried for all the parents in the world who are suffering not to be in contact with their children. I was grateful that I could celebrate mine any day.

It snowed 4 out of 7 days I was there. I watched the wind do crazy dances with the snow. There was gently falling snow and fast whipping snow. Sometimes it snowed up and sideways. It was magical.

Once my mind quieted down, by day three, I was living in the moments. I watched my breath, felt the pains and itches in my body, and listened to the sounds happening in the room and outside.

Most days I did my walking meditation outside. One day I walked about 2 miles deep into the trails in the woods in the beautiful sunshine after a night of snow. It was so magnificent.

A fear occurred to me that I was so far out in the middle of the woods somewhere, and not a soul knew where I was. And I didn’t have my phone! I allowed myself to be alarmed for about a second and then went back to living in that precious moment.

The food was incredible. All vegan, which normally isn’t my cup of tea, but when you don’t have a menu to choose from, you take what is offered with humility and grace.

I was so happy for this experience because there are some things I never would have tried or ordered if I had choices. And I was very pleasantly surprised at how much I liked the food. Eating became a welcome meditation.

Oatmeal each morning with yogurt, nuts and granola to add. The big meal was lunchtime accompanied by a salad and excellent dressings. The evening meal was always soup and bread, or crackers, with fruit.

I highly recommend a silent retreat as a way of coming back to yourself. If it terrifies you or calls to you, either way, make the time to do it if you can. You won’t regret it.

I had a few revelations. I cried several times and felt many feelings, from grief and sadness, to deep calm and high levels of joy. Even when I was feeling the sadness as I was missing my sister-in-law Jacquie, who passed in 2019, I also felt so much gratitude for my memories.

I experienced deep compassion for myself too and it felt so good. I wish you too would allow yourself to feel self-compassion.

During the compassion talk and guided meditation with the teachers, I thought about my family, friends and clients and was sending each of them love when I got this OVERWHELMING feeling that they were ALL thinking about me and sending me love too.

I just knew that so many of my peeps were thinking about me, and I felt so comforted and happy to feel their love. It was really cool.

I also realized I had been holding on to a resentment. I became aware of it and felt that resentment for just a moment before it was instantly transmuted into forgiveness and then it quickly turned to compassion. It took no time at all to become aware of it and let it go. I felt so free.

I feel deeply connected to my inner guidance system now and feel a lot of clarity about the next steps in my business. (More will be revealed.)

I thank you for graciously reading about my Silent Retreat experience.

Be good to yourself and kind to others. What you give will be reflected back to you.

Big Love,

Maureen

PS. Here is a one pager I created to bring with me. Check out the Acceptance Prayer. This was my focus during the retreat and it continues to be my go-to thought. I don’t have any pictures of the retreat place because I relinquished my phone upon arrival and didn’t get it back until the last day. Then there was SO MANY incoming messages and emails downloading that it was overwhelming so I just set the GPS and headed for home. I’m was glad to be there and I’m glad to be home. Thanks so much for all the good thoughts sent my way.

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