Saying “no” can be a healthy practice

Why do I find it so hard to say “no” to people? “This feels wrong.” “I don’t want to disappoint them.”

This is what I think to myself about why it’s so hard. There are probably a lot of reasons why it might be hard but one reason immediately rises to the top of the list and it’s this: I want the other person to like me. I want to be loved, liked, accepted and thought highly of. Do you know what I mean?

Fearing that we won’t be loved or accepted is an underlying fear of why we often feel the need to say “yes” even when we know we shouldn’t (for our own sanity).

But saying yes to another’s request that you know is not good for you, is putting yourself second. Every time we put ourselves second, it drains our cup just a little bit.

I think it is absolutely fine to put others first sometimes, but not all the time. AND it depends on the request and how much energy it will take.

I was working with a client who had a very toxic and abusive family and yet she was still doing things with them to try and gain their approval. She said it was easier to say yes and go, than it was to say no and then have to deal with even more verbal abuse about why she wouldn’t go.

This is a difficult situation. But I encourage you to say no and stay home when an invitation will most likely be a negative experience for you.

Of course, there are many different situations one may need to consider. Such as, if it’s fear holding you back and it’s easy to say no so that you feel psychologically “safe,” then perhaps you should say yes and walk through your fear.

But I’m talking about when the relationships are toxic, when you feel worse after the encounter, or the other person brings out the worst in you, then it may be time to start declining to be with those people. You don’t need their approval.

Learning to set boundaries and do what’s best for you may seem selfish at first, but it can be liberating and very satisfying to begin only hanging out with people who love and support you even when you say no. This includes work too! Working in a toxic environment? Find a new job!

I know people who have picked a whole new family to lean on and they are thriving in life. Find the support you need and learn to say “no” when you know it would be in your best interest to do so.

Another reason to say no is when someone asks you for something that you know is not good for them.

You’ll hear more about this topic when you listen to the podcast episode this week called “Love With Boundaries with guest Candace Plattor.”

Take some time to think before you blurt out yes the next time someone asks you for something and you know you don’t really want to do it.

And you don’t always have to give an excuse either. “No thanks” is a complete sentence. “Thanks for the invite but I won’t be able to attend.” Keep it simple.

Practice saying no and your time will free up, you won’t feel as stretched, and you’ll gain some peace of mind that you are taking care of you by putting yourself first.

There are often times when we feel obligated and cannot say no for one reason or another. So, when you clearly have a choice, choose to put your needs as a priority. I give you permission. 😘

It’s also a great way to be a positive leadership role model for your teammates, friends, and family.

All my best,

Maureen

On the podcast this week . . .

My guest on Emerge. Evolve. Lead. this week is Candace Plattor who’s been clean for 35 years! Candace shares her story of recovery and how, as an Addictions Therapist, she helps family members of addicts, learn to say “No” so they don’t enable the addict in their addiction.

This is especially important for parents to not allow an addicted child stay comfortable in their addiction. Saying “no” means “I love you too much to see you destroy yourself.” In this way, family members are not prolonging the addiction because they are not contributing to it. Yes, it’s hard, but it is oh so necessary.

This is one fascinating episode that you’ll want to listen too if you know people who are still out there trying to figure out to get away with keeping their unhealthy addiction. It’s okay to say “no.”

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