You know how we sometimes just make up stories in our heads? Sometimes we jump to conclusions or make assumptions when really we have no idea what someone else may be thinking or why they did something that may have triggered us.
Some time ago, during my corporate career, I got a new boss. My old boss moved on and a new one moved into to fill her spot. This new Director of mine had been with the company for quite some time, and yet we didn’t really know each other at all.
When he took the position he had about 8 of us senior consultants working for him and he began to meet with each one of us individually and yet when it came to me, he had to cancel and reschedule. In fact, he cancelled the meeting with me 3 times!
By the time I met with him for the first time and had any kind of conversation with him, he had already been on the job for 6 weeks.
I remember thinking some of the following thoughts: He doesn’t give a sh*t about me. He doesn’t value what I do. I’m not important to this team. I should be worried that I’m not even on his radar. How can this not be personal when he cancelled on me 3 times but has met with everyone else.
Yeah. Ouch. These thoughts grew in my mind and I began to despair. I spoke to my husband about it. He assured me the guy probably was just swamped and had other priorities.
It didn’t really help. My voice just discounted what he said because “he didn’t know this man.” (Like I do, right?)
My voice began to make up other things about my new boss. Yup. I started making judgements. These were some of the things I thought: He’s not a very good leader. He has no idea what I’m even doing. He doesn’t care about building relationships with his people. He’s just a brown-noser to the higher-ups and only cares about himself.
My head was filled with sad and sorry thoughts. And as you can guess, I was kind of miserable. I felt ignored and undervalued.
When we finally met I was so nervous. He on the other hand was very kind and very apologetic. He proceeded to tell me what his life had been like these past 45 days and how crazy it was because he was still responsible for his old job and his new one.
He also explained that he had read my file and had a conversation with my old boss who assured him of my competence. He was told that I was fully independent and did not need supervision. He told me that if he could have avoided rescheduling those meetings he would have but in the interim, he knew I would be okay even though he didn’t know too much about me.
Then he asked me a bunch of questions about my job and what I was working on. He asked me what I may be struggling with. Then he asked me about my goals and what I wanted for my career in the future.
I walked out of there with a whole new mindset about him, who he was as a leader, and what he would be like to work for.
I felt totally humbled and chastised myself for misjudging the whole situation. I realized I had made so many judgements and conclusions that were wrong!
Some of you might disagree. Maybe you’re thinking “Yeah, but, he really SHOULD HAVE met with you sooner.” Perhaps.
Yet, the Spiritual Axiom says “every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”
This means that no matter what the behavior may look like or how unreasonable it may seem, I am responsible for not acting negatively. Regardless of what happens around me, I am always responsible for what happens within me. I am the creator of my own stories.
This experience taught me a powerful lesson. I realized it was my inner voice and only that which lead me astray. I didn’t have all the facts before I began to judge my new boss. I learned to assume good intentions and not judge the behavior alone.
Another point I want to make is that if you are a leader, you should KNOW that your people could be making judgements based on what they see of your behavior. They may not know about the Spiritual Axiom. They may not have the tools to look within or the knowledge of your intentions.
To reduce some of this from happening to you, take time to touch base, have conversations, and build relationships so the trust is there. Be more visible, especially during these times of remote working. Take the time to ask people how they are doing and just listen.
It’s part of being human to look for approval of any kind from your boss or your leadership team. Do not take your position lightly. You have so much power to make or ruin someone’s day and it could mean so much to get positive attention from you.
If you were like me and spending too much time making up stories that are keeping you miserable, please forgive yourself and let it go. Stop looking for approval from people that may not have it to give to you. Give yourself approval.
We are all doing the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt.
Enjoy the fall weather and have a fantastic week.
All my best,
Maureen
